Ok, so here’s another one from the random memory series.
Now allow me to set this up for you. So I was in junior high school, & those
of you that know anything about nyc know that hs & jhs in these here parts
can be rough, and it was so, particularly rough for me. I had a tough go of
middle school here.
That being said, taking a proper poop in a jhs bathroom was not an option
for me, it was just not going to happen. But as it DOES happen to all
humans, we all get the urge to go from time to time, & one day in particular
I got it bad. So here I am, stuck with possibly one of the greatest dilemmas
of my young life. What to do?
I asked to be excused, leaving my belongings behind, aware I may possibly be
seeing them for the last time & I headed to see if maybe the bathroom was
safe, but as I passed by I heard them in there, the thugs, yes the “tough”
guys claimed the toilet as their kingdoms, hell I bet most of them are still
in there today! Hahahaha. Who’s laughing now? Losers!
Anyway, I gotta take a poop, but I can’t go into the toilet because I know
I’ll get ridiculed & beat up for stinking it up. So I did what I always had
to do, I used to sneak out of school & go home whenever nature called.
So I’m on my way out, following my usual escape route, oh no! My usual route
is compromised! I see a German Sheppard in there! Wtf is a German Sheppard
doing in a Junior High school yard. I see the cracked gate, my escape point,
& start to time the dog, meanwhile my poop is pushing its way out! Go away
dog!
Crap, I can’t hold this anymore, I try to fart out some of the pressure, but
a bit comes out, damn, screw it, I let the poop flow. Ahhh, such a relief.
Its warm, my underwears pack it up nice & tight, good, no spillage. So
here I am under a school stairwell, junior high school 117, joseph h wade,
hiding, waiting for this dog to move, pooping on myself. Can I go back to
class? Will they notice? I can the chuck the undies. No, that’s not an
option, where can I clean up? The bathroom? Back to square one!
Eventually the stupid dog moves, to the other side of the yard I hope, to
hell with it, I open the back door and I run for it. The dog is nowhere in
site, so I deadbolt for the cracked gate & hightail it out of there before I
am caught by either security or the dog. Ok, all clear. I made it out.
So I cross the street and start walking up towards the d train on the grand
concourse and I bump into Yurbrainy working on a car, he’s one of the local
bully/tough cool guys. So he starts dialogue.
Yurbrainy: Wow angel you cut school, man I thought you were just a nerd,
that’s hype, come chill with me.
Me: I can’t dude I gotta go meet some people.
I’d love to have chilled, maybe I’d have gotten cool, probably not though.
In any case I was carrying a load of smelly poop in my undies, I’d probably
get beaten up, and then the story spread through the school. Believe I
didn’t need any further negative publicity! So I hustled into the subway.
Got on the train and rode the 1 stop home, now here came the dirty looks,
they smell the poop, they all look around & make faces, “what the hell is
that smell”, I do the same, “man it stinks”. So I get home, ashamed, I don’t want anyone to find this disgusting pile of
poop in my undies, I want to get rid of the evidence. I tried to put it in
the toilet, but it was crushed, wasn’t happening, so I figure what better to
get rid of it than to throw it out the window into the little alley noone
ever uses. So there it goes, bombs away, Splat!
Little did I know, Martin, the porter was downstairs cleaning in the little
“hidden” spot I threw it into. I hear him cursing, screaming, threatening in
spanish. Fortunately for me, the line I was in had quite a few kids my age,
so he couldn’t tell which one it was. I didn’t dare look out the window, so
I never could tell if the poop hit him or just splatted on the floor.
Shortly thereafter my door starts to ring, I hear someone say “I know you
are in there Angel, open up”. *Bang bang bang* I was like oh man I’m
caught, how did he see me. So I go to the door, prepared for whatever comes,
& its my friend’s older brother Jamil, he comes in & started cracking up, he
said he knew it was me, he heard Martin cursing about the flying poop and
said he heard me walking through the house (he lived under us) then he comes
in & starts playing games with me. Lol.
I never did get caught, but I never forget those shouts either. Hilarious.
“Te voy a matar, carbon, tirando mierda, deja que to coja!!!”
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