It seems I have forgotten how to feel. I am so warped, jaded, guarded, distant. Why can’t I overcome this?
Earlier I took aneil to the dentist, & his mom was telling me how troubled I used to be emotionally. She told me I used to say I was overwhelmed emotionally, things I’ve not heard in years.
So today my loved ones come over, & I’m happy about it, but I still can’t “envelop” myself in this happiness.
I want to feel. I saw my mom, my sisters, nephews, bro in law, & of course my son was here playing around. I recognize I’m happy to see them, I look @ my mom, my sister carrying my niece or nephew, my son, but I feel like I’m looking through that window I always mention.
A scared child looking out, peaking out, but hidden behind that window. Protected. But why? Protected from what? Why? This is my family, they won’t hurt me, right? They love me, right? Why am I this way?
Why do I have these thoughts & visions in my mind? Why am I in tears as I write this right now? What is wrong with me? I’m not a depressed angry teenager, but why do I still get feelings like I was? I hate it!
Where do I get these thoughts that physical pain can release this emotional pain & blockage I feel? Why do people cut themselves, why do I wonder about that?
I am such a mess myself g@ times. But aneil’s mom said to me today, “Angel even though you may be struggling, & fighting demons, you are always there for the ones you love when they need you, you bury you, & help”.
So its established, I can love people. But why do I fear closeness, why am I so distant & detached from those I love most? Why can’t I just feel love?
Anyone out there know? Are you educated in this? I tried the “landmark forum”, to see if I could open up, but it didn’t help me. I have read books upon books to try & learn what is off? But I am still closed up. Please, I am willing to try new things, if there is a way.
I want to feel. Everytime I try to feel I cry, so I hide it again, & suppress. What is it that I need to do to overcome this remnant of a darker time?
I’ve grown & changed so much, I’ve learned so much, but still, this blockage drags me down. It keeps me from surpassing my current spiritual level.
Is there any help out there?
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