Jokes/Riddles? (Sticky?)

I will tell some later, just wanted to say thankyou to you all for the jokes& Rus, we are all mere pretenders, you sir, are a foul, foul man.

Keep it up!!!

A plane fight is crossing the Atlantic when the pilot comes over the tannoy and informs all the passengers that the plane is going to crash & none of then are likely to survive.

"Oh My God!!" says a women in first class, "we are all going to die!! Is there a man onboard who can make me feel like a real women, in my final moments?"

"Sure", says a guy from economy, standing up & taking off his trousers.

"Iron these!"

"Good", he replies, "Get your own fucking blanket!"

Hahahahaha

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Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.

'If the light stays on for more than 4 hours, call your erectrician.'

Remember these?


There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

roadkill wrote:

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

...and he's not wearing a toupe, it the scalped trophy of the last guy he fought

God looks down on the Earth and decides we are all fucked unless he sends Jesus down to atone for our sins again.

Upon climbing the mount and declaring himself the Son of God he is quickly dismissed as a fucking looney, so after much soul searching in the desert God tells him "Become a man of the people, get a job"

Next morning he's straight down the Job Centre.

"So Mr Christ, what experience do you have?" asks the clerk.
"I was a fisher of men and I used to help my Joseph with his carpentry as a youth"

"Got two Carpenters Mate jobs on my screen.." replies the clerk; "One in Jerusalem £2000 a week, company vehicle, full benefits and a lodging allowance. Or there's Aberdeen, for minimum wage"

Jesus exclaims:

"Aberdeen! No contest - I'll take that. Last time I worked in Jerusalem they nailed me with tax"

Oh god, this one is brilliant!

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Trigonometry: It's hyp to b squared.

Bill Gates wrote:

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

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Staring up at the sky, I watched a cloud shaped just like a tongue
float into a cloud shaped like a vagina.

I thought ....... that must be the first sighting of a Cumulolingus

From the BBC website:

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"Hundreds flock to rare bird sighting in Tyneside".

Apparently she is slim, attractive and sober.

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Two stupid yobs broke my windscreen today.

Then again I could of swerved out the way.

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My mum ran off with the milkman when I was eight years old.

Watching them drive away on his float were the worst three hours of my life.

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I like the adverts for games consoles; everyone is always so happy.

But for once I'd like a realistic advert, I propose an overweight man hurling a controller at the wall and calling the game a 'cheating bastard'.

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Life is like a box of chocolates.

Shit if you're diabetic.

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But if Elton John does die, who's going to sing at his funeral?!

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I'm a hypochondriac with an inferiority complex.
It hurts when everyone laughs at me.

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After hearing today that currys can cure cancer I can't help but feel that Shilpa Shetty had the last laugh.

I think only football (soccer) fans will get this:

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I would just like to take this opportunity to congratulate Marlon King on his very first hat trick.

Rumour has it he scored three times in the showers this morning.

Lovely, good Marlon King joke, bastard deserves it. Alcohol is not an excuse, Magistrates & Judges please take note.

I read in the paper that someone mugged a dwarf. How could anybody stoop that low?

Hahahahahaha, terrible.

Do they put dwarf porn on the top shelf?

Roadkill, do you have a link to a larger version? there are a few people (friends) who fill my inbox with this crap on a regular basis & I would love to innudate them with this for a week. See how they like it.





Rising unemployment? That's just idle talk.

Blakops wrote:

Roadkill, do you have a link to a larger version? there are a few people (friends) who fill my inbox with this crap on a regular basis & I would love to innudate them with this for a week. See how they like it.





Rising unemployment? That's just idle talk.

Here is a bigger one http://www.drugbuyers.com/freeboard/ubbthreads.php/ubb/download/Number/13404/filename/nothing-will-ever-happen-with-this.jpg

Dam this is funny...

roadkill wrote:

Dam this is funny...

ahem...FUK-YEAH!!!

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I'm in a wheelchair at the moment and so I have to pee sitting down.

I still put the toilet seat up afterwards though, just to piss the wife off.

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ITV has announced that Katie Price will become the first person ever to appear in I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here twice and all over the country the sound of no one giving a shit has broken out.

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Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled.
I laughed at the irony.
Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

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Germany and Hanover 96 keeper Robert Enke was killed last night after being hit by a train. Apparently David James also dived in front of a train last week, but it went under him.

News report: Turns out Robert Enke's local HMV had sold out of Modern Warfare 2.

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With all the crazy ass Star Wars fanatics out there you would think there would be more people named Anakin. It's probably due to the fact that Star Wars fanatics don't have sex.

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Oh I love irony.

John Allen Muhammed, the converted Muslim who killed at least 10 people in 2002 with a sniper rifle has been executed.

Time of death: 9:11pm. I bet he loved that.

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My girlfriend told me she would always love me, no matter what.
When I was found guilty of robbing a bank with a sawn-off shotgun, she told me it didn't matter and she would always love me.
When I was found guilty of raping a thirteen year old, she told me it didn't matter and she would always love me.
When I was found guilty of molesting her sister's youngest son, she told me it didn't matter and she would always love me.
Never date fat chicks.

Enjoy! Not kid friendly.

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Came home early from school the other day.......

Caught my mum having sex ....

Disgusting, couldn't fucking believe it.....

Cheating on me.....

With my own brother......

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I was walking down the street the other day when I bumped into my old girlfriend from school. She was now happily married and had a four year old child, who was with her at the time. She introduced me to the little kid and he began to tell me about, well, I have no idea actually.
I was just too preoccupied trying not to blurt out

"I fucked your mum".

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When I introduced my girlfriend to my brother I could tell that she fancied him. This was confirmed when she asked if me and him had ever wanted to try a threesome, she seemed certain it would be a great experience for me and him.
I was hurt at the thought, but decided to go along with it for her.

I called her to come round to mine for a "surprise" me and my brother had waiting for her, I left the door unlocked and told her to let herself in.

She took one look at me and my brother spitroasting her sister and stormed out of the house, ungrateful bitch.

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I would save hours ever day if the girls on my Facebook would just be a little bit more considerate.

A new category on their photos - 'tits and snatch slips' would save me sorting through the hundreds of shitty pouting pics, and make my wanking so much more efficient.