Jokes/Riddles? (Sticky?)

Hope you don't mind me starting a thread like this, I go on sikipedia quite a lot, maybe we've all got some good ones eh? lol

Quote :

Peter Andre has said that life with Jordan was a constant battle.

He said "She always got really irritable whenever her vibrator ran out of diesel."

Quote :

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a...ihg32h9gj0fk0kfkkkkkkfmmnnn273fbf111...

...FOR FUCKS SAKE KANYE LET GO OF THE KEYBOARD!

Quote :

My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

Matt Lucas, your Ex-partner hung himself today

"Yeah, I know"

I got caught wanking by my sisters mate the other day.

Probably didn't help matters when I said:

"Ah Sarah, I was just thinking about you."



Has anybody found these funny? I'll stop if you say

Keep going.


A man walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange.

He says to the barman, 'I'll have a pint of lager, please.' And the barman says 'Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.' The man replies 'Yeah, had that for a while now.'

So the barman says 'How did that come about, if you don't mind me asking?' And the man replies 'I was in this old junk shop when I found a lamp and when I gave it a rub this genie appeared.

He offered me the standard three wishes, and I said 'For my first wish, I'd like every woman I ever meet to fall madly in love with me.'So the genie waves his genie hands and suddenly there's women looking at me.

Then the genie says 'What will your second wish be?' I said 'I'd like a wallet with £1 million in it, and I can never lose it, it can't be destroyed, and every time I spend any of the money, it'll be replenished.'

And the genie said 'Your wish is granted. Now, what will your third wish be?'

So I said 'For my third wish, and I regret saying this now, I'd like half my head to be a big orange.'

Mike2010 wrote:

I got caught wanking by my sisters mate the other day.

Probably didn't help matters when I said:

"Ah Sarah, I was just thinking about you."



Has anybody found these funny? I'll stop if you say

especially since your sister's name is Beth

please keep posting these mate, jokes are the best pressure valve...and contributors
will be adding they come up, i'm still laughing at the keyboard joke. my take anyway. i'd submit,
but i can't think of new ones!

Blakops wrote:

And the genie said 'Your wish is granted. Now, what will your third wish be?'

So I said 'For my third wish, and I regret saying this now, I'd like half my head to be a big orange.'

OH MY GOD, I'M GOING TO BE TELLING THAT ONE ALL WEEK

"and i regret saying this now"



a classic pub style joke

That is the fucking stupidest thing I have heard all year, well done

Quote :

Who needs school? SCHOOL IS FOR RETARSD!

A tramp finds a five pound note in the street. He decides to go to the off-licence and buy a bottle of white wine. After duly knocking back the plonk the tramp falls into a drunken torpor and collapses in a small alleyway.

About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp. Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter. As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramp’s hand.

Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway. A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp. Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching. Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions.

Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramp’s usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which the tramp responds,
“I quite like the white wine but it doesn’t half make my fucking arse sore.”

Blakops: Ha ha dude... I don't think I've ever seen as many diverse references to the Hershey Highway in one place before.

I can do poety? Hell yeah.


I once wrote haiku
It was my greatest pleasure
Until I learned rape.

Quote :

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

Quote :

I used to think rape was awesome until I got caught. I'm now in prison and I think rape sucks.

What’s pink and goes round and round on a carousel?

Stephen Gately's suitcase

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are about to
repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

My friend has been seeing a shrink. For years he’s had an irrational fear of rope, swaying, Astroturf and heights; it turns out to be from a childhood memory of falling off a swing.

This made me think: I wonder where I got my fear of sweets, clowns and fisting.

Now that funny!!!

Loved yours too Roadkill

Blakops wrote:

Now that's priceless!

Mike2010 wrote:

My friend has been seeing a shrink. For years he’s had an irrational fear of rope, swaying, Astroturf and heights; it turns out to be from a childhood memory of falling off a swing.

This made me think: I wonder where I got my fear of sweets, clowns and fisting.

cheeky--two, erm too cheeky

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20
inch dick 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down
and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to
me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch dick , my
testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you
said, 'Turn around'.

^hahahaha

I might print that out onto A3 paper and colour it in with crayons on the train next Monday Blackops. The bigger I make it the more time I pass



oh & btw,

Dyslexia certainly hasn't dented my mate's confidence. Just the other day, he went to see Lennox Lewis at a book signing, and he reckons he managed to take him down with just one punch.



News update:

Quote :

Apparently, Stephen Gately was found dead with chocolate around his arsehole.

Police are currently questionning George Michael and his Careless Whisper.

APPOLOGIES IN ADVANCE--I JUST KNOW THE JOKES




There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."


...

AND TO THINK I'VE BEEN TRYING TO AVOID CONTRIBUTING TO THIS SECTION


...There were two guys taking a shower. They were playing with eachother and kissing. Then sombody knocked on the door so one of the guys was like im going to answer the door so dont finish without me right. So he went to go answer the door when he came their was cum all over the walls curtains, everywhere. The guy says to him i told you not to finish without me.

The other guy says i didnt.....I FARTED!!!!!!!

...

A tomato, a piece of gum, and a penis are all talking.

The tomato says "I've got the worst live, I get cut up and stuck in a sandwhich".

The piece of gum says "No, mine's worse, I get chewed up, spit out and stepped on".

The penis says "No, by far I've gor the worst life... I get a plastic bag stuck over my head, then I'm shoved in a dark tunnel and made to do push ups 'till I throw up!"


AND THESE FROM ANOTHER MESSAGE TO ROADKILL

two flies eating their lunch--on a pile of shit...one farts, the other says,
"do you mind? i'm eating!"


a man goes to a prostitute and decides it's his fantasy to do 69. he keeps
picking out bits of veg between his teeth until finally--not caring if the mood
is lost he exclaims, "are you sick or something?"
to which she replies, "no love, but the last guy was..."


a man comes back from the amazon with a decaying jungle rott sore on the
back of his neck. he finally musters up the courage to have a bite out in a local
restaurant. he's sure eventually he'll be on the mend and wants to start the
emotional healing process. a man at a nearby table keeps vomiting, which
becomes so disconcerting that he eventually stands up and walks to him,
appologizing self consciously that he'll go home and let him eat in peace--explaining
the hole neck situation. the embarassed gentleman says, "no mate, it's not you
at all...the bloke behind you keeps dipping his bread in your neck."


a drunk heads into a restaurant and quickly finds a place to take a dump.
he leaves sheepishly, but not before commending the management on their
gorgious gold toilet. with a start, one of the employees holds on to the drunk
and yells, "hey simon, this arsehole's gone and shat in your tuba".


a sad man scrounges up what he believes to be enough cash to go to a brothel.
to his dismay he is directed to a room with an emu inside. thinking about his loss
of cash, he decides the bird will have to do. weeks later he goes to the same brothel
and sees a movie in the back. upon commenting that this movie is pretty hot--to
ladies getting it on, the bloke next to him roars, "that's nothing mate, last week
some pathetic sod was fooking an ostrich."



AND YES, I'M ASHAMED ...OF KNOWING THE JOKE, THAT IS...NOT OF THE OSTRICH,
WHO I STILL WRITE TO

Oh Russ..... Oh man.... I don't know what to say, those were great! Gross but great!

A very ugly man walks into a bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer.

'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.

'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar, last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course,
went and cut her free, and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender. Was she pretty?'

'Don't know. Never found the head."

roadkill wrote:

A very ugly man walks into a bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer.

'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.

'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar, last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course,
went and cut her free, and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender. Was she pretty?'

'Don't know. Never found the head."

i can't believe you just called me 'very ugly'...and i trusted you with that secret , now everyone's
gonna know that the carved pumpkin i glued onto her neck is not her real face.

LMFAO ON SO MANY COUNTS!

Quote :

Why do seagulls have wings?

So they can beat the gypsies to the tip.

What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty scousers showed up.
Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said
he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him
to admit the ten most virtuous from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter
returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"
"What? All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God.
"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"


Roger and Colin, are walking through London Zoo one day when
they come across the "Rwandan Silverback Gorilla" cage. Sitting upright just
inside the bars is an eight foot muscle bound Silverback Gorilla and Colin;
being as gay as you like; can't help but notice its massive, thick penis
hanging there.
"Ooooooh....Look at the donger on him, Roger !" Squeals Colin excitedly
"I've never had one that size in my hand before !" Unable to contain
himself, he reaches through the bars and strokes the ape.
Roger tries to pull his boyfriend away but its too late.......the
gorilla's shovel like hands clasp Colin's wrist and yank him through the
bars, into the cage. Roger screams as Colin is dragged into
the gorillas bamboo hut. Whilst in there, Colin is subjected to a very very
very rough bout of anal sex with the Silverback. Roger covers his ears to
block Colin's screams and runs to get help. It takes three and a half hours
for the Zoo Staff to lure the ape out and fire a tranquilliser
dart at its arse. They call an ambulance and Colin is rushed to hospital
for major ring piece surgery. A few days later Roger decides to visit his
pal Colin in Hospital as he hears that he's regained consciousness.
Colin is in his bed, crying his eyes out when Roger walks in. "How are you
feeling darling ?" asks Roger quietly.
"Awful !" whimpers Colin "That fucking gorilla shagged my arse rotten!
"Does it hurt ?" asked Roger
"HURT ?" replies Colin, tears rolling down his cheeks "HURT?.......HE HASN'T
CALLED, HE HASN'T WRITTEN....OF COURSE IT BLOODY HURTS

Bloke driving along in the car, when he gets pulled over by plod.
Police Officer says "Having you been drinking sir?"
Driver replies "Why, Is there a fat bird in the passenger seat!"

Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after
his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"
The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."

A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, some
eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon. As she unloads her items
at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in line watches her
place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single."
The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual
about her selection says, "That's right. How on earth did you know."
He replies, "Because you're fucking ugly!"

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train, after the initial embarrassment they both go
to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of
the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm
awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better
idea.... let's pretend we're married" "Why not", giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies, "Get your own fucking blanket!"

A no-good husband had been laying out, drinking and chasing women, then came
home about 3am. Knowing he would be in BIG trouble, he came up with a plan...
he'd sneak into the bedroom and perform oral sex on the wife.
THAT always made her happy. Sure enough, he snuck into the dark bedroom,
slipped quietly over to the bed and did the oral sex. She sleepily moaned
and groaned, so he knew everything was ok.
Afterwards, he went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he flipped
on the light, to his astonishment, he saw his wife sitting on the toilet!
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??" He yells!
"shhhh", she whispered..."you'll wake Mother!"