Funny or baaad

Sorry in advance...


Question: Why is the edge of a cliff the best place to screw a sheep?


She pushes back...



I know it's wrong.... Just plain BAAAA AAAD LOL

-just don't get the wool pulled over your eyes
-chop chop! folks are looking
-be a lamb and finish up, will ya?
-i 'herd' these things go on in the highlands
-i mint to say something else, she's a real dish though
-it always makes one feel sheepish after

oh, i really must stop. now you've done it.

little tip : just slide their back legs inside your wellies

What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Wales?


A leisure centre

Richard Grannon wrote:

little tip : just slide their back legs inside your wellies

oh dear god

An Aussie is visiting a farm in New Zealand and see's a farmhand engaged in forementioned act.
The Aussie yell's out to the farm hand,"Oye,In Australia we sheare the sheep!",the Farmhand replies back in thick NZ accent
"I'm not 'Sharing'with noboby"

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

How do Australians find sheep in long grass?

Quite good actually.

Just found this, had to post.



The Scene: John Trovolta and Sammuel J. Jackson sitting in car talking.

Pulp Fiction music fades off...

S: Ok, so tell me again about the Welsh.

J: Whaddya wanna know?

S: Beastiality is legal there right?

J: Yeah, its legal but it ain't a 100% legal. I mean you can't just walk into a field, pick up a sheep and start pumpin' away. They want you to shag sheep in your home or certain designated places.

S: And those are valleys?

J: Ok, it breaks down like this: its legal to buy a sheep, its legal to own a sheep and if you're a farmer its legal to sell or loan sheep, its ILLEGAL to fuck sheep in public but...but...but that doesn't matter 'cos, getta loada this, the police in Wales are too stupid to notice you've got a sheep hanging off your dick. I mean that's the interlect the police in Wales DON'T have.

S: Arrr man. I'm not goin', that's all there is too it, I'm never fuckin' goin'.

J: Nah man, you'd hate it the most. But do know what the funniest thing about Wales is?

S: What?

J: Its the little differences, I mean they got the same kinda people over there as we got here, but there they're a little different.

S: Example.

J: Ok. You can walk into a Movie theatre in Cardiff and order a lump of coal, and I'm not talkin' about no paper cup, I'm talkin' about a LUMP of coal. And in Swansea you can buy coal in MacDonalds. Do you know what they call it?

S: They don't call it a 1/4 pounder with cheese?

J: Nah man, they don't have fractions, they wouldn't know what the fuck a 1/4 pounder is.

S: So whadda they call it?

J: A (assumes welsh accent) 'Ham and Cheese Sandwhichchchch'.

S: A Ham and Cheese Sandwichchchchch?

J: That's right.

S: And whadda they call a Big Mac?

J: A Big Macs a Big Mac but there they call it a Bich Machch (accent again).

S: (immitating accent badly) A Bichch Machchchchchchch?

J: Ha ha ha

S: Whadda they call a Whopper?

J: I don't know, I didn't go outside. Do you know what they put on French Fries in Swansea instead of ketch-up?

S: What?

J: Coal.

S: Arrr man...

J: I,ve seen 'um do it man, they fuckin' drown 'um in that shit.

& one more which matches ritchie's advice.



So, there is a guy in his final year at University, and he decides to do a thesis on Sheep Shagging. (Strange behaviour, considering he was studying Electronics ... but, never mind ... I digress).

He calls upon a Surrey Sheep Farmer to ask his opinions.

'Well, I gets the hind legs ... stuffs them into me wellies ... and then takes them from behind. That's it.'

'Oh, thank you' says the student, taking copious notes along with sketches etc.

Next he visits a farm down in Dorset.

'What are your view on sheep shagging?' he asks boldly.

'Well, you've got to take the hind legs, stuff them into the wellingtons, and then take the sheep from behind. That's all there is to it'

'Oh. Thank you very much for your information' the student replies, once again scribbling away in his notebook.

The Student, intent on finding out the most about sheep shagging from farmers far and wide, visits Wales.

'How do you sheep shag?' he confronts one farmer.

And once again he gets the same reply. 'Take the hind legs. Stuff them into the wellingtons. Give the sheep one from behind.'

Scottish farmers gave The Student the same answer. Maybe it was something to do with Great Britain or something ... so he travels to Europe.

All across Greece, Turkey, Italy, Austria, France ... no matter where he went he got the same answer 'Take the hind legs. Stuff them into the wellingtons. Take the sheep from behind.'

The Student began to get depressed. No matter where he went, would he ever get a different answer? Surely there must be someone, somewhere, that shagged sheep differently.

He travelled to the Southern Hemisphere.

At New Zealand he obtained the same answer to the same question.

'Take the hind legs. Stuff them into the wellingtons. Take the sheep from behind.'

Finally he manages to find a small outback farm in the middle of Australia. He approaches the sheep farmer and explains his predicament. Gladly the Australian sheep farmer explains his method.

'Well, you get the sheep; throw it on its back; spread its legs and then do the business.'

'Eh? ... ' replied The Student, incredulously. 'You don't put the legs in the wellingtons and take the sheep from behind?'

'WHAT!?', says the Aussie Farmer ... 'And miss out on all the *kissing* ?'

Blakops wrote:

'WHAT!?', says the Aussie Farmer ... 'And miss out on all the *kissing* ?'

okay, you got me--just had seltzer through my nose, bastard

Hmm... Hind legs in the wellies eh?



So that's what that "furry pants party" is all about.

BTW

When I was working with sheep at the local slaughterhouse, I couldn't help but notice that the overalls used had bottomless pocket slits. I rationalized it away as a practical way to get to the pockets of the pants worn underneath, but I see now that they had a far darker purpose.

RichardB wrote:

I rationalized it away as a practical way to get to the pockets of the pants worn underneath, but I see now that they had a far darker purpose.

one of perks of the job

I actually know of a real incident of sheep shagging.

My uncle in Liverpool who's an undercover drug-squad type cop (I can't give his name, not for security reasons but because I reckon Richard might remember him from his psycho-bouncer days ) told us a story of when he had to attend court as a trainee detective (or something) in the 80s to watch the proceedings. He didn't know anything about the case other than a soldier from neighbouring Wales was on trial. So he's waiting outside the courtroom and this soldier is waiting to go in, some court usher-type-person pops their head around the corner and tells Soldier Boy that his dad has arrived.

So the dad looks at his poor son who looks like a combination of and and says "What the feck's goin on son?"

Soldier Boy bites his quivering lip and hesitates for a second and looks up at his dad with eyes full of tears and suddenly bursts out with (if you can imagine this in a very loud, tearful Welsh accent)

"Ohh, Daa! I got caught with a bloody sheeeep!"

The dad goes "Oh, you filthy bugger!"

And my uncle has to make a quick exit so he can literally roll about the floor crying with laughter.

That's how I remember the story anyway. I'm sure there are some details that I can't remember.

Richard Grannon wrote:

little tip : just slide their back legs inside your wellies

Thanks for the tip man ... that worked great

yes. The plus side with sheep is they provide an orifice & something to wipe yourself off on, when your done.

Instead of Wellington boots,the guy was wearing Uggboots,Does that make the sheep a necrophyiliac?

Sharif H wrote:

in this very loud, tearful Welsh accent

"Ohh, Daa! I got caught with a bloody sheeeep!"

The dad goes "Oh, you filthy bugger!"

And my uncle has to make a quick exit so he can literally roll about the floor crying with laughter.
.

i'm picturing some crossed eyed matted and balding 3 legged sheep wearing his monikered
jacket--waiting for her lovers return from, uhm, minimum security in the 'nasty-fooker wing


note: too bad your uncle went outside to laugh/cry, he'd have heard the rest of it.

"Oh, you filthy bugger! If you wanted a nice shag, you should've waited till your Gran fell asleep...
that's what we all do! The thing about sheep, son, is that they're so damn sexy and once you've fallen
into a pattern, lamb chops start giving you an erect...oh never mind, you nasty bugger. IF ANYONE
IS LISTENING TO THIS CONVERSATION, I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE GETS THIS BEHAVIOR?"





"ORDER IN THE COURT, ALL BE SEATED PLEASE!!!
ORDER IN THE COURT!!!"

Russ the Muss wrote:

Sharif H wrote:

in this very loud, tearful Welsh accent

"Ohh, Daa! I got caught with a bloody sheeeep!"

The dad goes "Oh, you filthy bugger!"

And my uncle has to make a quick exit so he can literally roll about the floor crying with laughter.
.

i'm picturing some crossed eyed matted and balding 3 legged sheep wearing his monikered
jacket--waiting for her lovers return from, uhm, minimum security in the 'nasty-fooker wing


note: too bad your uncle went outside to laugh/cry, he'd have heard the rest of it.

"Oh, you filthy bugger! If you wanted a nice shag, you should've waited till your Gran fell asleep...
that's what we all do! The thing about sheep, son, is that they're so damn sexy and once you've fallen
into a pattern, lamb chops start giving you an erect...oh never mind, you nasty bugger. IF ANYONE
IS LISTENING TO THIS CONVERSATION, I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE GETS THIS BEHAVIOR?"





"ORDER IN THE COURT, ALL BE SEATED PLEASE!!!
ORDER IN THE COURT!!!"

Sick...