You know when you read/watch/hear something and you understand it.. that is one thing. But when you then really experience it and come to the same conclusion by yourself.. that is when it's real.
I finally understand the saying "anybody who has experienced real violence wants nothing to do with it" (eventually). I initially got into security for the experience in a nightclub 2 years ago. After a while I found myself going from more avoidance and de-escalation to engaging more. I feel this is due to being surrounded by it, both violent patrons and people you work with who you talk about it with and also regularly dealing with crap. And you can't help it, it effects you and your mindset. Especially since I didn't grow up with any of this stuff.
I realized I was changing. I became more aggressive, quicker to engage and more willing to fight. Some situations made me quicker to engage so as to finish it quick (the axe incident was a big one in this).
The adrenaline, the excitement, the fighting becomes addictive, like you just want the next rush and get bored when nothing is happening, and it doesn't help being surrounded by people who also think like this and love to fight.
You get so used to violence that getting into fights is just normal, other people are telling you "wow that was crazy" and you are just like "nah not really". Not the best thing to get used to.
I realized I was becoming somebody I didn't want to be. My mindset was changing for the worst. I was becoming paranoid and wasn't able to relax when down the street or in nightclubs even when not working. So I had to stop. I quit the job about a month ago and feel much better since then, much more relaxed, better about myself and less stress.
So I relized that I wanted the experience and I have got it.. but it wasn't really worth it because of how it effects your head. But I am going to use it, it will help me with teaching. I'm injured at the moment from an attack a few months ago but have started light training and teaching again and am going to do a business course using my experience and realizations to help people in this area. Sure I have nowhere near the experience of Richie or alot of you guys.. but I kept myself safe for 2 years of regular confrontations so I feel that I can offer something.. especially in my area because there is nothing like this, only traditional arts.
I also know that if I have to I will be able to react in the right way if attacked and have to defend myself, more calm in situations and able to deescalate and communicate better. But I will no longer put myself in the situation week in-week out. Just not worth it. Its quite a challenge getting out of the security industry because everyone has been trying to employ me since I left the last job, atleast its good that I had the reputation of doing the job so they wanted to employ me, but I just had to tell them I was no longer doing it. (damn the money was tempting though)
Sure all this stuff is what I had been told and read, but it wasn't real until I experienced it myself.
Thanks for reading
-Ben
Home 
