funerals and other rituals:
a delicate balance. they're supposed to be for those mourning. they're often the opposite and require performance.
if you find yourself in this place, it seems important to generate important meaning personally--even if at the expence of others expectations.
when my mother died, i was so appauled at the idea of sharing with others i didn't know...i played the role of the host who's at peace with the
world--to keep others away from me. people become right nutters...rite nutters, in such cases. my dad just died, and i learned something. to
make the ritual meaningful to me. i let go of people's expectations for me to sing/stand/kneel/say-a-few-words...because in actuality, it wouldn't
have been an empty performance of meeting other's needs. i think that even though i was closer to my mother, it was a more meaning experience
quietly shut down and not accomodate others. my own private process was occuring inside, and the appropriate transitions were occuring as a
result of it.
it made me think of other rituals, and how we accomodate the outer lines of such performances. and how important it is to maintain inner meaning,
or risk wasting time and becoming jaded over it. as a student of yoga, it was the same thing. i had remarkable gains all on my own, and even
though the incredible person teaching me was giving me powerful lessons and instructions to live by, i was so focussed on the outer garment of the
process--metaphorically speaking, that i could feel my quality ironically slipping away even as i was greatful to have been in the presence of such a
person, who's lesson's now have greater meaning for me.
the same in training. it took a hiatus every so often to process things. so often people become lost in the performance of it all and miss the lessons
in the interest of rising to the occasion--or other's expectations.
i'm not going to assume this helps anyone. just epiphanies that are helping me even now. getting one's own meaning from things or risk losing any lessons at all. it's nice to be invisible for a time. introverted for a time. that's what this has done for me.
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