i didn't have name for this, sorry guys, so that's what i called this phenomenom--and if my dyslexia (however you spell that) fights
for dominance it's because i'm rushing. it's better when i don't rush,
but that said:
i noticed as a late-teen, there were certain things that robbed me of
energy and confidence--which carried over to the business of fighting.
it took longer to do something about it, and i realize my take on things will not be someone elses but here goes. one last aside: i've lived on an ashram before, i'm well aware that i try and make sense of things in a way that reeks esoteric, sorry beforehand.
i used to have friends that were pretty thuggish growing up. i think i postured towards weights/sparring/etc...and it had an effect on others,
one of which was to draw certain types of people to me. thugs. i used to
also have sort of a side-kick syndrom (my made up word for it). some
local notorious lout would decide that my presence as his number one
lackie would bring him credability. since i was young/immature/etc...i
would sign on, unwittingly, for the task--which usually included backing
up said lout in his unfathomably stupid rise to self-congratulatory power (as he would have defined it for himself). in short, on the weekend walking in number and getting into it with others who ascribed to this questionable right of passage to, err, manhood. once i made the giant leep of faith and could--with a small bit of skill, discern dickhead from nice-bloke...i would try and distance myself from these guys (three in particular from different circles). the affect of gradually moving away from them had an affect on me that felt like i was chickening out, having been nursed/brainwashed long enough to at least partially become indoctrinated into the psychologies of a thug. but it also felt psychologically draining to fight along side a drunken prick who is starting shit.
my great leap of faith came after seperating myself from my main friend
(back then) after he added homophobia to his list of hobbies. i knew in his terms what it would lead to. i had my hint when i had to stop him being stabbed--a stand off really (me with a ridiculous looking, but still useful if you hurl it like an overhead bat, pair of nunchuks, him with a switch blade), when he had verbally slung epithets in an area that was predominantly gay. after saving his fat ass one last time, i walked away from him. he came by my security job often--looking for back up, and my boss (the one i always talk about who had hip surgery) would say i wasn't there (this also had an affect on me that was draining because it wasn't up front).
if you've lasted this long and wonder where this is going. what i would like to say to anyone that deals with things half way, and doesn't stand up for themselves, and isn't direct. change this quality, it will bring a sense of confidence that translates even in fights. being someone who is unappologetically honest and forward about what he (or she) believes in.
who do you want to be, be that person.
i have even seen a correlation, at least it seems that way since the guys i've known have fit these observations, in guys that are sort of straying from their wives not fighting as well. i know i'm straying from the point a wee bit, but not as much as it may seem. i have found alot of strentgh (this is where the chi-building part comes in) comes from being a 'stand up' guy who is honest and stays away from habits that require concealments of various sorts--whether its being a guy who isn't at home with his wife where he should be or a young apprentice 'thug' who needed to just be direct and follow the life he was meant to lead. the rush of confidence that comes from this adds something to one's character that can't be translated but i feel is quite qualitatively measurable. there. i've said it. probably no one can relate, but i wanted to say because it represents a huge change in my training/successes. sorry if it's too esoteric though.
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