self image ?

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Hello Richard,
Just wanted to thank you for putting out a product like The Psychology of Violence CD. A fews back I actually wrote you and told my story from childhood about my older gangmember step-brother who used to beat me. Then I asked if you had any idea of what I could do. You were kind enough to tell me about the Psychology of Violence CDs. First time listening I knew these were what I was looking for. Really awesome material! Thank you for these.
I also wanted to bring something up and hear your opinion about it. It has to do w/ conflicting beliefs, I guess. You see I've noticed that at the GYM when I have on my bandana, training clothes, and gloves, I can look at myself in the mirror and just feel like an Martial Artist. My outwared apperance helps my internal state. BUT in my day to day life I dress nothing like a fighter. I've got more of an edgy rocker look to me then a martial artist. Of course this effects how people look at me and how I feel about myself. Sometimes I feel like people are surpised to hear that I'm a martial artist. Sometimes I think they look at me and think that I'm probably no good at it just because I don't look like a fighter. My ego speaks up and I want to be regarded by others in my day to day life as a good fighter -- but also don't want to lose my style and image that I've build over the years. So, I think it kind of pulls me in two different directions. Have you ever heard of anything like this before? Would you have any advice to help me marry the two of them together? Kind of a silly question but I thought if anyone had an opinion that I'd listen to on this subject it's you.

I dont think this is a silly question at all, we all need to get comfortable with the behavioural requirements of our SP training fitting in with our self image.

Other peoples thoughts?

Sometimes the way I dress can affect my confidence. I may go out and feel really confident that if somebody tried to mug me, I would easily be able to deal with it, then other days I might wear something else and feel crap, and that if a violent situation occured, I would be completely rubbish at it. It would be nice to go out feeling confident in whatever I am wearing and not just certain clothing.

It's very much what you said in the video on your frontpage Richard, if your walking along an alley and there is a group of lads looking at you, yes "the fight has already begun", so one needs to give the outward appearance that "if you fuck with me I'll kill you".

This outward appearance is a mixture of appearance ' I have on my bandana, training clothes, and gloves' and the connected stereotypes and the lack of mental confidence so that ' I think they look at me and think that I'm probably no good at it just because I don't look like ' .

Often one can wear clothes that distort one's appearance, your biceps/chest size e.t.c may look reduced and therefore you feel, naturally, that when you go out someone on first perception may misjudge you.
Those are the ignorant people imo.

From experience, size means relatively little, unless your either huge, 16 stone plus, or under 8 stone. It's how one uses one's weight, fights and uses the environment around them. In sport, one is likely to be matched with people the same weight. What I like is that at my gym is I am matched with smaller and larger people myself outside of my weight class. This not only throws up a few surprises but also trains one to fight differently against different opponents.

So back to image.

Richard highlights body language as I have mentioned, this is vital in giving over the impression that your not someone worth the trouble of messing with. But don't think some swagger is going to give over the impression that your some kind of hardcore thug. Unless you've got that look to you, or some size you're going to look like a fool and probabaly encourage a fight.

'my ego speaks up and I want to be regarded by others in my day to day life as a good fighter'
The ego is both a good and bad thing and something not worth debating into too much here. The element of surprise is amazingly useful in a fight, if someone underestimates you they are going to have fear thrown in their face very quickly.
So I think it's more a decision of whether you want to dress and act as you feel most comfortable ' -- but also don't want to lose my style and image that I've build over the year' or go out of your way to show some sign that your a competitor. It is vanity in many respects that is making you want to look tough, as you haven't quoted how you looking "vulnerable" as ever gotten you into a fight.

'Would you have any advice to help me marry the two of them together'
I guess this comes in a way to Richard's concept of 'violent intent' or 'intent' in general. I find some people at my gym like to wear certain items of clothing (a tanktop with a logo on), or a certain hoodie down the gym. And when questioned 'Don't you get utterly boling in that hoodie?' the answer was 'Yeh but it helps me get into the mood and i can't seem to train without it'. It's a mental state they are therefore searching for. If you can look in the mirror and you've got a sideparting and the next day you've got a shaved head you may think of yourself of more of a tougher looking person which will then exuberate your status of "dont fuck with me".

'Sometimes the way I dress can affect my confidence. I may go out and feel really confident that if somebody tried to mug me, I would easily be able to deal with it, then other days I might wear something else and feel crap, and that if a violent situation occured, I would be completely rubbish at it. It would be nice to go out feeling confident in whatever I am wearing and not just certain clothing'
Again a mindset. A mindset that my clothing reflects who I am. It does and doesn't. Dress in what you like and you feel most comfortable in, if this clothing reflects your martial interests then so be it. But don't orient yourself around some kind of thug image, because one day you will wake up and realise that your pretending to yourself. Be confident in what you wear. Be able to move in it, train in it if need be. Then you will realise that what you were is assosciated with your skill as a martial artist and so when you go out into the street you realise you can translate your skill through your clothing.

To conclude.
Your happy with your appearance, but you want people to see you as "tough" or a "good martial artist".
I'd say try not to dwell or worry on it too much. Exuberate your skill through your movement, your awareness and your knowledge. Don't dress up in a tanktop saying 'Cage Fighter' if you aren't a cage fighter, and you're never going to get in a ring and cage fight.
It's a mindset issue you have here. Look at that small chinese bloke who walks past you in the street. Is he a threat you?
Look at that guy with a ripped t-shirt and dirty jeans, is he rich?
It's all perception, the unknowledgable will probabaly think not to both of the above. Let them do so for the former at their peril.
Don't worry too much about social impressions of yourself, just believe in yourself.
Truly believe and you'll be fine.

Hope that helps.

Sometimes I feel like people are surpised to hear that I'm a martial artist. Sometimes I think they look at me and think that I'm probably no good at it just because I don't look like a fighter. My ego speaks up and I want to be regarded by others in my day to day life as a good fighter

I'm just a guy in a garage but here's my 2 cents (about 1p in the current exchange rate) Not that we have 2 cents anymore......ANYWAY.

Why do you want to be regarded as a "good" fighter?

1/ Do you feel in danger everywhere you go and thus you feel you need to project this image to put people off?

OR

2/ Do you want people to give you respect because you are a "good" fighter?

If it's reason 1 then maybe you need to move in better circles or you need to get off the SP paranoid train and get rid of your camos and knives.

If it's reason 2 well in MY version of reality you don't get respect from people if they think you're a bit handy all you will get is either no friends or friends who will get you into trouble. (really no friends at all)

Maybe you have a reason 3 and 4 I don't know. A lot of what I hear and what I have been through personally is a load of old bollocks really. No-one cares if your a good fighter (unless they are a wee bit knobby themselves IMHO) You are much better off working on your own confidence/being than trying to work on other peoples opinions of you.

I am trying not to sound like a wanker.....but every time I write something like this it reads a bit wanky but hey ho that's the way it goes.

I also don't think it's a silly question. I think most males feel this way in their life at some time or other. Just think when you're an old man you won't give a fuck what most people think anyway.

Hey why not start the process now and get ahead of the game. Please yourself first and then see how it feels.

As Bobby Thompson said "If the ticky man comes knocking on your door don't worry about ! He's the one that wants the money let him worry about it. Anyway the paint will last longer than the skin"

Sort of fit's ..........doesn't it.......not really......it's just me.....again.....oh well back to the drawing board.

Fuck I've got to work on those last bits.

I just saw Bens post and he's right. Clothes can and do make a difference to the way you feel and the way people view you. It's ALL about image unfortunatly. You really have to work on you so you can go out wearing whatever you feel like and still feel like you (the confident you that is)
Isn't that one of the main points of life? Everyday we should become better versions of who we were yesterday. I had to move countries to "GET IT" I don't think I would have if I'd stayed where I was.

good post Southpaw

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It's a mindset issue you have here. Look at that small chinese bloke who walks past you in the street

funny you mention that as an example as the original question reminded me of two things

1. my mate once taught me that if you want to distinguish between the owner and the manager in a chinese restaurant, the manager is the polished looking fellow in the suit and tie... the owner is the guy in tracksuit bottoms and flips flops carrying three shopping bags full of crap who mooches in for 5 minutes at the end of the night to stick a few grand down his pants to take to the casino

2. the baddest of bad assed martial artists that the gangsters in the film "kung fu hustle" break out as a secret weapon fits the restaruant owner model depicted above. I think the chinese take a twisted satisfaction in messing with people´s perceptions and having true strength hidden is a socially upheld value in chinese culture... I reckon.

3. a japanese instructor of aikido once told me that looking like a fighter is counterproductive to self protection, I would tend to agree... I also feel less confident in shorts, tshirt and flip flops than I would in say, a suit and slippy slip ons.
Though, in fact, neither really have a tactial advantage, its pretty much psychological. Its my self perception + the way I expect others to percieve me, which is always context specific.

In Spain which is still a largely Catholic country, the spanish will respond better to you the more covered up you are... remember the sopranos episode where tony soprano was offically told off by his superiors for wearing shorts at a barbecue?
the reason: "a boss CANT wear shorts"
I dont know if that is based on a "true" mafia anecdote, but if italians are like spanish i can well beleive it being based on truth

cool subject. i'm glad i saw it late...that way i could hear so many nuances. i agree with the view of understating talents. i used to be inspired by the symbol of a badger that upon first glance looks a bit like a house cat. it's the shock that makes these little f#$%ers so successful.
if you want to be left alone, dress like a thug--but know that one day someone will attack you expecting a thug's ability and come full force. before i gave up on the more traditional styles of defense, i used to teach people NOT to give up how they train, etc...the less they expect the better. i think that this works for image too. one of the most dangerous people i knew growing up looked like a complete dork. he wore a giant sweater that covered up all his tatoos, and tended to look lost until he turned it on and went completely pre-emptive. it worked.

confession time: i wear bdu's to hide my skinny calfs. i feel more confident when i feel like a solid tree, not a road sign (ha ha).

I don't know if giving off the vibe of a fighter or looking like a fighter is a good thing or not.

Lately i've had a few people i've just met tell me that I seem like somebody who can fight, one said when he seen me that he thought I was somebody he wouldn't fuck with and I look like i've been in alot of fights.

Which is strange, because I try to hide the fact i've got training from most people, I don't want them to know or have dickheads try me because they find out i'm trained. I haven't been in a huge amount of fights, but probably more than most people.

The other guy we were just talking and joking around in a group, and a new guy to the group who does security said to me "I reakon you would go off". I asked why and he told me "you just have that vibe".

I have no idea where I got this vibe, and don't know if its a good thing. It may stop some people but it obviously doesn't stop everybody because I have been attacked a few times.

I think the psychology of violence cd's may have aided in projecting this, for a while it attracted aggression towards me, but now its calmed down, i've had some realizations and am calmer. So I project it in a different way and it seems more powerful than when I just projected aggression and that I will fight.

I think its better to just have that relaxed, calm vibe that if you have to you can hurt somebody.

I've been curious about this phenonemon. Sometimes I can read that people can fight, I don't know how and am looking for resources on this. I have a friend who grew up on the street and he said he can tell straight away if somebody can fight or not, I tried to get him to explain but he can't.

Its definately more than outward appearance like clothes. You could get one guy to wear one thing and be totally intimidating, and another guy wear it and look like he couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag.

And but both of them in something else and it would be the same in my opinion.

Put them in a dress, and watch out because anybody wearing a dress has to be crazy

I ordered a book and just got it in the mail about a half an hour ago and am keen to read it.

Its called "What makes tough guys tough" by Jamie O'keefe. I believe its about this subject were talking about. I will comment on it after i've read it.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/What-Makes-Tough-Guys-Secret/dp/0951756729/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1211951314&sr=8-1

A little from the back cover which applies here -

"Throughout his time as both a self protection instructor and doorman, he has seen literally thousands of situations where individuals act like though guys or pose themselves as tough guys"..

Sometimes I can go out and the music I am listening to can have an effect on my confidence. I could be listening to something and feel like a target, other times I'll be listening to something different and be totally confident in myself that I can overcome anyone who tries to start. Anyone else find this? Slightly off the topic but worth a mention I thought.

Well yes, music influences mood. Mood will in a way influence what music you may choose to listen to.

If you've just listened to "Shit hits the fan" by Dre your probably going to feel a bit harder and more thuggish.

I wouldn't go listening to your iPod/music device with nice shiny white headphones as you walk down the street at night. Your asking to get mugged, especially as you probably can't hear that bloke walking up behind you. That is where awareness comes in, if you have awareness losing one of your senses in a "walking down the street" situation you should be ok. The city isn't a war zone yet..

Again what you've mentioned is back to the "intent" that has changed in you to a more aggressive intent due to the music.

I don't actually suffer from this myself as music doesn't ever make me feel vulnerable but it can make me more psyched up at times - clubbing music/hip hop e.t.c for me but maybe Rage Against the Machine for others... So i'm very much assuming.

.

Ben wrote:

Sometimes I can go out and the music I am listening to can have an effect on my confidence. I could be listening to something and feel like a target, other times I'll be listening to something different and be totally confident in myself that I can overcome anyone who tries to start. Anyone else find this? Slightly off the topic but worth a mention I thought.

Not so much nowadays as I literally never get into fights, ever. However when I was a doorman I was very affected by music and found that some tunes can give you loads of confidence. During that time I made freinds with a guy who is very into sound therapy and music psychology and spirituality. He told me that people who listen to music like hip hop and hard dance with a lot of bass in it are tuning into more basic levels of emotional intelligence related to survival. When I told him that hip hop made me feel more confident in violent environments he had this awesome analysis of why this was.
Part of it was about switching off frontal lobe activity so you wouldnt be as concerned with conseqeunce apart from the more obvious subliminal messages related to violence, acquisition of material wealth, low level power struggles, the suxal prmosicuity of alpha males who wants to get his genes into as many females in the pack... its pretty primitive stuff, but effective for the environment.

Nowadays I like to reminisce about time gone by I might listen to a few hip hop tracks but beyond that it starts to do my head in.
Im just not in that mode anymore.

I think in terms of creating a self image and appropriate supportive behviours music is a very relevant issue not a distraction to the topic at all

Now lets consider what dietary, excercise and narcotic abuse patterns would be most efficient at creatin violent sociopaths

the guys name is Jeff Moran he taught me lots of cool stuff

http://www.soundtherapy.co.uk/

I will try and get him on here, havent spoken to him for a long time though.

I'll quote a few excercises from a book relating to this exact issue.

1.Make a list of the ten things you like most about yourself.
Chances are that this will be very uncomfortable for you at first, as most people are not in the habit of doing this. That's what makes this activity so rewarding. Remember, the more challenging the it is for you, the more you need it!
Be sure to focus on internal qualities that set you apart, things that wouldn't necessarily be reflected in a mirror. Examples are, "I have a fiendishly clever imagination," "At work, I do a good job of identifying tasks and setting deadlines," "My friends tell me I give great parties," "I really helped my neighbor the other day," and "When I jog, I run a little farther each time." Take as long as you need to come up with ten things, and no matter how "insignificant" they may seem, do not condemn or belittle anything. Make the list as well rounded as possible so that a full picture emerges of all the ways you are special.
Now that you have your list, tape it to your bathroom mirror so that every time you glance at the mirror, you read the list. This excercise allows you to remind yourself of your true worth-at the times you feel most vulnerable.
Every month or so, update the list. Keep the things you like the best on it, but make an effort to come up with some new things as well. Believe me, this gets easier each time you do it. And it constantly keeps "in your face" the knowleadge that who you are is a moving, breathing, living, growing human being.

2. Get comfortable receiving acknowledgment.
If you depend on a mirror as your only source of psychological validation, this means you've become uncomfortable receiving acknowledgment, praise, and positive words. Break through this by learning simply to accept praise at face value,resisting the urge to second guess or nullify it.
The next time you receive a compliment--"You did a great job"--simple respond with, "Thank you very much" instead of, "Thanks, but it was nothing: If I had more time I could have done a really good job!" Don't make people feel uncomfortable for acknowledging you; allow them the pleasure of paying you a compliment.
And if this whole idea seems particularly distasteful, ask friends or acquaintances to tell you one or two things they like most about you. (If it is embarrassing, just tell them you have to do it as an assignment for a class or project you're working on.) Not only does this create a situation in which you receive acknowledgment, but it also gives you raw material for your list of likable qualities!

3. Learn to trust your own feelings.
If you've spent a lifetime learning to deny and sit on your emotions, then you have a lot of unlearning to do. What a liberating experience this can be--almost like shattering the glass in the mirror!
Remember when you were a kid, and you were playing with your hot new racecar with the red and black stripes? How did you feel when the big kid down the block came along and took it away? Without a doubt, you were very clear about how you felt! As we grow older, we learn that hitting Johnny isn't nice, either, which of course is true. But unfortunately we also get the message that "bad" emotions aren't nice, either, and so we have to learn to pretend they aren't there--and feel guilty when we have them anyway.
Accepting your feelings means accepting all of them, good and bad. Whenever something happens that causes an emotion in you, give yourself permission really to feel it. If you're watching a sad movie in a theater, let yourself cry--what do you think everyone else is doing, anyway? If you think about something funny at work, go ahead and laugh. If someone cuts you off on the expressway, scream at the top of your lungs (just to yourself, that is) or pound your fists on the dashboard until the feeling passes. You can liberate your true self only by accepting and confronting what is really going on for you at any given moment, without condemning or judging yourself. And once you've reclaimed the ability to feel your emotions, then you won't need to check in a mirror to see what you're feeling.

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the guys name is Jeff Moran he taught me lots of cool stuff

Is this the gentleman you mention on your cd who helped you solve an ongoing challenge you had struggled with for years? I've got a lot of challenges and habits I want to solve and overcome and I'm searching for good help and advise.