Lesson on human interactions from “the games people play”

(Credit goes to Richie for this book selection. I'm not finished, subsequently I started reading a book on better managing my finances, but it's still on the list)

Current Read(s)
Band of Brothers
Games People Play
Beyond Band of Brothers
The Lost Symbol
The Total Money Makeover

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I’m reading this book “the games people play”, I find it a bit hard & dry to read. It speaks more to a psychology student, but I am trying to work through it, difficult as its proving to be. I prefer to pleasure read myself, textbook style is not my thing.

In any case I just smiled @ myself whilst reading this, because just yesterday I was involved in a specific example the author mentioned.

First you need a little background on strokes. Simply put, “strokes” are what the ego wants or needs to be happy. The simplest way is to think of a kid coming home, bringing a test that he got 100% on & showing it to their parent.

This kid is asking to be stroked for their work. Now we don’t mean physical stroking (pedo, lol), we mean emotional strokes, “good job jimmy, you did great”.

Now this takes place on many levels, & during all sorts of daily interactions. Our egos constantly seek stroking, it is said we need strokes to survive or our spine shrivels up & dies. This probably explains why solitary confinement is such a feared punishment in prison, & why prisoners talk to themselves, to keep sane.

My specific example is revolving around the greeting stroke however. One of the simpler types. Here is an example:

Me: hey john, nice day huh
John: yup, wish it was still the weekend
Me: yeah man, sucks, later dude
John: 4 more days & it the weekend, its ok, later

Now whether we recognize it or not, these mini stroke sessions are set, when we see john its always that type of a conversation. More or less always in that structure, 2 verbal strokes each, & nothing more.

So yesterday I said “hi” to someone, & the person actually stopped, smiled, & engaged me in a small, yet longer than usual conversation.

Usual convo:

Me: hey
Them: hey
Followed by half smiles & walking away.
(Nothing more)

So yesterday the person stopped walking, gave me a big smile, & started talking to me. So in my mind I was like “this person never talks to me like this, what’s going on here, this isn’t normal”.

Now don’t get me wrong, it was pleasant, as a matter of fact I’ve always wanted to actually talk to this person, but via my experiences with them I accepted that we always have a 2 stroke interaction, minimal eye contact & no “real” big smile included. Lol.

The funny thing about this is that this is the exact reaction & scenario described in the book. When a person breaks the “normal” stroke rituals then it creates this reaction in the person its being “broken” with, for good or bad.

I thought that was pretty interesting, I may even forward this blog entry to the person so they can enjoy the dynamic as well. Although I wonder if it would make them think I’m all weird & stuff, some people don’t subscribe to my deeper analytical ways. Lol. We shall see.

On the other hand just the same, I’ve initiated strokes with people where they did not return the stroke:

Me: hey dude what’s up
Dude: (says nothing, looks away)

This hurts your ego, it breaks the stroke to stroke balance rituals as the stroke was given and not returned. Lately I have been working on not offering strokes to those people that don’t reciprocate, I just walk by & don’t acknowledge them either, why stroke their ego if they don’t follow the procedures & stroke yours back?

There is one who always is super friendly, knows my name, etc when they need something, but other than that this person never even looks @ me! Seriously, not one word or glance edgewise unless its to ask for something. This f*cker will never get a stroke from me, & furthermore they drop in the work priority list. Unless absolutely critical, they are @ the bottom of the priority list.

This may all sound weird and like bullsh*t to you, but believe you me, whether you know it or not, you are involved in these rituals every single day. I just choose to acknowledge it and learn from it. You may wish to stay in the dark about, but I’d rather learn & know so I can make the most of my interactions & time on earth.

If you are interested in this type of thing, then another great read is “looking out for number 1″, another great book on dealing with people & the topic of “rational selfishness”. Really good read, & not difficult @ all to read.

So how interesting is this stuff? I love to learn all about this, its so very interesting to me.

A very interesting post, thanks for posting!

However is an ego stroke most important from somebody else, or from yourself

Mike2010 wrote:

A very interesting post, thanks for posting!

However is an ego stroke most important from somebody else, or from yourself

Interestingly enough it talks about prisoners in solitary confinement, and how they talk to themselves to keep "sane". I would presume that this is the way they are getting there strokes in. Even tyson talks about it in his new documentary, "My insanity keeps my sanity"...

So to answer your question, if you are not getting it from others, then stroke yourself...

LOL.. "that's what she said..."... If you watch the u.s version of the office you get that one... if not.. then use this one:

the same can be said for sex.. LOL...

Hahaha don't worry mate, I get it

What I meant was in your internal voice. Like when you throw a peice of paper into the bin and it's an impossibe shot but.. you make it! The voice that says 'Fuck yeah i'm good!'

ARodomus wrote:

So to answer your question, if you are not getting it from others, then stroke yourself...

That’s been my philosophy for years and I’m not trapped by all the small talk.

You are all a unique & beautiful snowflake.

The more self sufficient a person can be the better.Our cultures are very alienated with contacts between people at the most primary and self interested levels possible.

Danite wrote:

The more self sufficient a person can be the better.Our cultures are very alienated with contacts between people at the most primary and self interested levels possible.

I totally agree.

"Games People Play" describes the "stroking game" not because it's a game that must be played in order to maintain psychological health.... it's just a social game.... the good and bad of the "stroking game" is only relative.

On a plane journey a year ago I decided that as a rule Brits should be more like Americans and just strike up conversations with strangers, be friendlier make more of an effort like

so there is this dude sat next to me, I really have no interest whatsoever but I think "self discipline, make yourself talk to more people, get out your shell like space" so I had some crappy opener about the Dan Brown rip off mystery book he was reading

to be honest every time I do make an effort with people I feel better, gets you out of your own head and just chatting, contact, attention is a "stroke" in and of itself even if not explicitly complimentary- think about it

an hour later we are discussin conscious creation through thought, the non local field of intelligence, the way the principle of attraction was raped and sold for "the secret", fasinating stuff

he travelled with Deepak Chopra for 7 years and Anthony Robbins for a while whilst they toured giving seminars, he now runs retreats for emotionally damaged teens (I used to work in that field)

he looked like a total nerd, but he was a very smart, switched on dude and chatting to him made the time fly, my fear of flying diminish (it was a turbulent landing too, barely noticed it) and was generally a good experience

you never know

Richie, one of the biggest adjustements I had to make after living abroad, was the the total lack of sponteneous interaction between people in canada.One thing I like about americans is that theya rent afraid to talk to others and as you mentioned you can often meet very interesting people, and you are right, it si very healthy for people to talk to each other, thats how we are wired to be, social beings.

Lone Wolf

Having grown up in the UK and lived here in the US for almost 2 decades, I have to say I'm still irritated by the banal interactions that seem obligatory here. I personally don't really care to 'share' my feelings about my day at the supermarket checkout, because honestly THEY don't care if I've had a good or bad day either - they just ask out of habit, or company policy!
Honestly I find it an invasion of my privacy to force me to interact when I don't want to, and give no sign that I want to. There should be 2 consenting parties involved in an interaction/conversation IMO - and i do love good conversation, don't get me wrong. It's just that if in any interaction I could hypothetically replace myself with someone else or a cardboard cut out, and find no change in the words coming out of the other person's mouth, then it's just masturbation really isn't it? We were talking about stroking, right .....?

OK - I admit it, I'm just a complete, antisocial bastard

maija wrote:

It's just that if in any interaction I could hypothetically replace myself with someone else or a cardboard cut out, and find no change in the words coming out of the other person's mouth, then it's just masturbation really isn't it? We were talking about stroking, right .....?

Maija made her first crude joke, I am so proud ... this forum is clearly a bad influence, I think you guys are rubbing off on her


... badum-tish!



Ive only ever been to Calfiornia with a quick road trip out to Las Vegas- obviously did get some worker drones talking in that horrible nasal whiney twang that seems the standard of the white american who lays on the fake freindly extra thick "and how are you tuh daaaaay?" grin grin grin

In San Diegeo actually found people about as friendly as people in London... so borderline hostility comes as standard.

But for random acts of friendliness I thought LA was the best- even in the rougher spots... met some right bellends there as well obviously

struck up a conversation with a chap on a beach in santa cruz, it was the summer Mel Gibsons "The Patriot" came out. Once this clever american chap realised I was "Briddish" (actually Im English darling but on you go) he informed me gravely that he HAD ACTUALLY seen Mel Gibson's film (with his own two eyes) and that he would:

"forgive but he would never forget".

He then stormed off haughtily.

I didnt know whether I was supposed to personally apologise for the War of Independence or not.


"Im sorry Lord Tavistock burnt people alive in churches and that he victimised two australian actors"

Richard Grannon wrote:

maija wrote:

It's just that if in any interaction I could hypothetically replace myself with someone else or a cardboard cut out, and find no change in the words coming out of the other person's mouth, then it's just masturbation really isn't it? We were talking about stroking, right .....?

Maija made her first crude joke, I am so proud ... this forum is clearly a bad influence:

Interesting.

At work (I'm in the customer service dept) I take calls from the USA all day... and now I'm realizing that in every interaction I have with a customer, just how much 'stroking' is going on.... wait a second, I stroke customers all day long? what is my job entailing here? oh my...

I think the Amercian inclination to strike up a conversation is a little refreshing at time, and not so much at others. It's certainly good to break the ice, but at the same time I've had people tell me their entire life's story without any prompting at all. Seriously, there are a handful of people who's biopgraphies I could supply a rough draft for.

I appreciate the sincerity and I think sometimes people just need to talk, so I'm happy to listen, I just would never do that myself, I'm fairly careful with what personal information I give away.

What's interesting is when customer's not only refuse to stroke back but seem to delight in trying to upset me. (it won't ever work I've heard everything and find some things I've heard absolutely hilarious) Sometimes the friendlier I start out the nastier they get off the bat. (damn happy people!!)

Usually though, by the time I'm done they're puddy in my hands hehe.... wait... I did say puddy right?

ok nuff of that, you all have sick minds!!

I suppose it depends what type of 'stroking you mean.. Obviously striking up conversation and making real rapport with people is different to complimenting someone to make them feel good.

I work part-time in a café (i'm a 'waitress', don't laugh..) and I like seeing people happy so i'll make 'em laugh and be polite. I've been doing it for 7 months or so and haven't got bored of it, so I suppose the rewards must oughtweigh the negative responses. I don't go out of my way to be talkative or anything.. But 'treat others as you would like to be treated.' Or better put, don't ruin someone elses day because you're stuck at work!

Interestingly I travelled quite a lot on trains all over the country and had a good chat with a fair few people wherever I was. One guy told me about his National Service in the '80s in France, that was interesting.