Why is it?

I had posted this question in another thread and I am seeking understanding.

Many years ago, when I was first exposed up close and personal to violence and its end result, life and death whether intentional or accidental. I had an extremely difficult time dealing with the blood, guts, the smell, the taste and the faces of death in my head. I would continue to see it for days and weeks after the fact and question why all the time. It didn’t take long before I was seeing a shrink and getting a healthy dose of happy pills. I don’t recall what brought me out of it to where I could continue seeing it and not need the happy pills any longer. Is it desensitization or simply dealing with reality? I don’t know, but sometimes I sure would like to go back to not seeing and yet sometimes, to this day I actively seek it.

So what’s up with that?

Richie? I really am rather curious about this.

oh

I didnt answer because Ive got no personal experience of this: Ive never been exposed to

Quote :

violence and its end result, life and death whether intentional or accidental. I had an extremely difficult time dealing with the blood, guts, the smell, the taste and the faces of death in my head.

at all and so Ive never become desensitised to it... "blood guts and the faces of death"?

sounds like you were policing in a particularly rough area mate

Quote :

I don’t know, but sometimes I sure would like to go back to not seeing and yet sometimes, to this day I actively seek it.

So what’s up with that?

Are you saying you've become desensitised and yet your still haunted by gorey images? And that despite that you actively seek it?

Its totally outside of my experience mate.

Were there some peripheral events that didn't weigh as heavy?

Meaning...guts and death--bad; appreciating life after and perhaps some
rising to the occasion and succeding type other stuff--good.

It made me think of domestic stuff--women torn for the good and the bad.
Sometimes things aren't nicely black and white. That's the thought that popped
into my head. Saving someone, whilst another died. Chasing away some, whilst
the remaining others were then safe. etc...

Haven't had to go through anything like that, thankfully. Back to you Roadkill-Phil...

Little more background..

When I was in my early twenties prior LE experience, I was a military recon/combat photographer but during peace time I spent most of my time in criminal investigation. Well that type of job demands spending a good amount of time at the crime scene and the morgue. Without the gory details, I doubt that there is much I haven't seen.

I will have to think about how to articulate this... I have hit a block

oh that explains a hell of a lot!

are you saying you miss that brand of "gore" that you get from combat injuries fatalitiies and murder scenes in particular?

do you find it a "test" to deal with it?

did you kind of prove yourself with it? have a psychological victory over the revulsion?

maybe thats what you crave

but again I dont want to pontificate too much because I really dont know, I've seen some and even been involved in some fairly rough injuries in fights, but nothing that would compare to a full scale combat zone or crime scene

and Im not one to seek violent/gorey films, I avoid them... even just spooky films I avoid so I cant even speak as one who gets a kick from the "test" of desensitization

but if you want some possibilities I can act as a psycho sounding board and you can tell me "warmer, cooler" until something clicks and feels right as an explanation

Richard Grannon wrote:

are you saying you miss that brand of "gore" that you get from combat injuries fatalitiies and murder scenes in particular?

Hmm... not sure about that. Do I miss the job? sometimes... I miss the LE work more than the investigative stuff for sure.

Richard Grannon wrote:

do you find it a "test" to deal with it?

did you kind of prove yourself with it? have a psychological victory over the revulsion?

As I look back I think I was just happy to be able to deal with it vs. a victory sort of thing, although I suppose it could be. It's interesting how some simple activity or event will trigger sights and smells in the brain and flash me back to a particular event or scene of the past.

I think I'm almost over my curiosity as to why I still seek it... just chalk it up to being a weird fark. Besides that I would imagine that my varied life experiences all play a roll in this twisted psyche and my experiences are as varied as they are not average.

I've not been through anything like you describe mate, but I think by degrees we all have our ghosts and it does just seem, that at times these thoughts/visions will be triggered and we have to learn ways of shutting them off, yet at other times we appear to almost dare ourselves to sit through the experience. Damned odd a.
changing ya avatar might be a good start ha