Hope you don't mind me starting a thread like this, I go on sikipedia quite a lot, maybe we've all got some good ones eh? lol

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Peter Andre has said that life with Jordan was a constant battle. He said "She always got really irritable whenever her vibrator ran out of diesel."

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a...ihg32h9gj0fk0kfkkkkkkfmmnnn273fbf111... ...FOR FUCKS SAKE KANYE LET GO OF THE KEYBOARD!

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My girlfriend is a porn star. She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

Matt Lucas, your Ex-partner hung himself today

"Yeah, I know"

I got caught wanking by my sisters mate the other day.

Probably didn't help matters when I said:

"Ah Sarah, I was just thinking about you."



Has anybody found these funny? I'll stop if you say

Keep going.


A man walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange.

He says to the barman, 'I'll have a pint of lager, please.' And the barman says 'Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.' The man replies 'Yeah, had that for a while now.'

So the barman says 'How did that come about, if you don't mind me asking?' And the man replies 'I was in this old junk shop when I found a lamp and when I gave it a rub this genie appeared.

He offered me the standard three wishes, and I said 'For my first wish, I'd like every woman I ever meet to fall madly in love with me.'So the genie waves his genie hands and suddenly there's women looking at me.

Then the genie says 'What will your second wish be?' I said 'I'd like a wallet with £1 million in it, and I can never lose it, it can't be destroyed, and every time I spend any of the money, it'll be replenished.'

And the genie said 'Your wish is granted. Now, what will your third wish be?'

So I said 'For my third wish, and I regret saying this now, I'd like half my head to be a big orange.'

That is the fucking stupidest thing I have heard all year, well done

A tramp finds a five pound note in the street. He decides to go to the off-licence and buy a bottle of white wine. After duly knocking back the plonk the tramp falls into a drunken torpor and collapses in a small alleyway.

About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp. Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter. As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramp’s hand.

Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway. A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp. Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching. Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions.

Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramp’s usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which the tramp responds,
“I quite like the white wine but it doesn’t half make my fucking arse sore.”

Blakops: Ha ha dude... I don't think I've ever seen as many diverse references to the Hershey Highway in one place before.

I can do poety? Hell yeah.


I once wrote haiku
It was my greatest pleasure
Until I learned rape.

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The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles. One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?" Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks." After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?" Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?" The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

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I used to think rape was awesome until I got caught. I'm now in prison and I think rape sucks.

What’s pink and goes round and round on a carousel?

Stephen Gately's suitcase

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are about to
repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

My friend has been seeing a shrink. For years he’s had an irrational fear of rope, swaying, Astroturf and heights; it turns out to be from a childhood memory of falling off a swing.

This made me think: I wonder where I got my fear of sweets, clowns and fisting.

Now that funny!!!

Loved yours too Roadkill